While I'm waiting

My children’s demands often drive me to my wits end.  My sweet little three year old is nothing if not persistent. 

“Mom, can I watch a TV show?” “After school.”  “Mom, can I watch a TV show?” “After school.”  “Mom, can I watch…”  “Did you hear my answer?  It’s not going to change.”

Or

“Mom, can I have milk?” “Yes” Getting cup from the cabinet. “Mom, can I have milk?” Pouring milk into the cup.  “Mom, milk?” Heating milk in the microwave.  “Mom!”

Oh, poor child, she gets that straight from me (God bless my husband).  Only, she’s 3; I’m 31 (for a few more weeks) and I still have not learned to take an answer and wait. 

“God, tell me what we should do.” “Wait.”  “God, ok, I can wait.  Just tell me how it will end.”  “Wait.”  “But God, what exactly am I waiting for?” “Wait.” “God, do you mean sit and wait or do something while I wait?” “God, I don’t hear You.  How do I know I’m trusting you for the right thing?”  “Just trust.”

Wow.  I treat God so much like my 3 year old treats me.  Begging and pleading although He’s given me an answer.  Persisting in my petitions to change and control all while He works away at His higher plan for me. 

I’ve been praying over an aspect of my family life, claiming to want to be obedient to God’s will when what I’ve come to realize my heart is really wanting is control, His plan but on my terms. 

Last night I attended Outbreak, a study taught by Gari Meacham at my church.  I’m so thankful that God speaks to us each individually through His servants.  Gari read the story of Peter jumping out of the boat during a horrendous storm but being distracted by the waves and losing sight of Jesus.  She was talking about the worship that ensued after everyone was safely back in the boat.  But God had a little different spin on that message for me. 

So I’ll call this situation I’ve been praying over a storm….an apparent problem that needs a solution.  However, just like Peter in Matthew 14:13-33, I keep taking my eyes off Jesus, distracted by the waves.  I’ve been so focused on measuring the waves and the wind gusts of the storm and predicting the aftermath that I have forgotten to worship Him while I’m amongst the waves.  I've been seeking answers to questions rather than seeking the face of Jesus with a goal to be more like Him

On Sunday, our Bible study teacher, David, talked about Romans 4 as trusting Jesus for our salvation through grace is related to our trusting Him for our earthly provision.  If we can trust Him in the biggest thing – eternity – why can’t we trust Him in the “little” things on earth (where they seem big)?  During his lesson, he touched on James 1.  I read the first few verses but all day yesterday my brain kept coming back to James 1.  Thank you, Holy Spirit, for not letting go.   So finally last night at the end of Gari’s teaching she allowed a few moments of time for quiet, individual worship.  Most in the room were praying, but I was pulled back to James 1 which I finally read in its entirety. 

Here’s what I gleaned:

            V3 testing produces endurance

            V4 endurance’s perfect result is for me to be perfect and complete, lacking nothing (my ultimate goal)

            V5 ask for wisdom, He gives generously and without reproach (He’s not trying to hide from me)

            V6 when you ask, ask without doubting

            V13 no one is tempted by God, He cannot be tempted by evil and He doesn’t tempt anyone (He’s not trying to lead me astray)

            V17 every good gift comes from God (opportunities included)

            V19 be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger (can’t talk and listen at the same time)

            V22 prove yourself doers of the Word, not just hearers (move on what I know to be true)

            V27 keep yourself unstained by the world (remain faithful to the Truth)

On the way home from coaching at the gym this morning, I turned off the radio and was just meditating on the messages I heard over the past 2 days:   Trust God (Rom 4) in the storms (Mt 14).  He is working on my heart (endurance) by giving me just enough wisdom for today (Jms 1). 

Then out of no where the song, “While I’m Waiting” by Matt Waller, starts running through my head.

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I can now see God is not yet asking me to take the BIG step.  He's not as concerned with the outcome of my storm as the maturity of my heart through the storm.  My obedience is to be obedient moment by moment, trusting and patiently waiting while He prepares my heart and matures my faith.

Meditating on the Word

 "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, Be acceptable in Your sight. O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer." (Ps20:14)

"Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you." (1 Pet 5:6-7)

"But He gives a greater grace.  Therefore it says, "God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.  Cleanse your hands, you sinners: amd purify your hearts, you double minded.  Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.  Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord and he will exalt you." (James 5:6-10)

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me." (2 Cor 12:9)

"When self-doubt tells me I shouldn't get my hopes up because I'll only be disappointed, I will focus on God's promise that He has plans for my life that are filled with purpose and hope (Jer. 29:11)." ~ A Confident Heart by Renee Swope

Because every post needs a photo...

Focus on the season

Yesterday was a day of contemplation for many.  "What are you/should I be giving up for lent?" was a popular question on Facebook.  Coke, bread, sweets, (seems most answers revolved around food)...Facebook.  

I was raised in a traditional Southern Baptist home with little understanding of Lent. I thought it was just a Catholic thing.  We celebrated Easter.  One of my really close Catholic friends came to school on Ash Wednesday with a smudge on her forehead but I was more shocked that she'd actually been to church before school than curious as to what the ash represented.

My heart has been yearning for a little more focus on what matters most or as Dr. Young calls it "kingdom business."  In the chaos of life, I have to be as intentional with my time focused on God as I do my daily calendar.  You see, I want God's agenda to be my agenda.  But if I cannot get enough still and quiet time to listen to Him, I will drown Him out with my own plans.

So thank you, Melissa, for giving up Facebook for lent.  You've inspired me to do so as well.  In it's place, I plan to spend the next 40 days following Biblegateway.com Lent Reading Plan. I'll be focusing on the life of Christ by reading the gospels to put the celebration of Easter into proper context - a God that came to earth as a baby, lived a spotless and blameless life of sacrificial love, took on all sin, died as atonement for that sin, and THEN rose from the grave on the third day.

I would love for you to join me in reading the gospels or for you to share what you are doing this Easter or Lent season to focus on the greatness of Jesus. 

Psalms 51:16-17 says, "¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. ¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is^[b] a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise".

Renewed Spirit

I've got to admit.  As I alluded to in one of my last post, I had a rough November, December and early January.  Really dreary days.  I tried to let go of the pressures but many days they got the best of me.  Thankfully, I am surrounded by an encouraging group of ladies in my Community Bible Study leadership team who are all more experienced in life than I am.  One of those ladies just kept encouraging me to press into the Lord.  Seek Him.  Don't give in to the fiery darts.  Put on the armor of God daily...even when your heart doesn't feel like it.  So I did.  I read alot from Streams in the Dessert and continued our study of 1 Peter.  There haven't been many times where I can pinpoint major change in my heart.  My faith and relationship with Jesus have just matured slowly over the years.  But I definitely experienced an answer to prayers a few weekends ago.  

I travelled to San Antonio to meet my sweet sister while she attended a ultrasound seminar.  We had a great time on Saturday afternoon...window shopping, talking, taking in a movie that pulled at my heart (Country Strong gave me an overwhelming sense of compassion for addiction and living with guilt), had dinner with my aunt and uncle.  Sunday was a different good.  Angel had class all day with the exception of meal time.  I woke up and spent the morning in God's word.  I read and prayed and reflected -- uninterrupted (moms of preschoolers, you know this is in itself is priceless).  I read 1 Peter; I read Psalms.  I just took in every minute of silence that was allotted me.  God met me and refreshed me.  He is faithful to His word and my prayer:

Psalms 51:10 Create in me a pure heart, O God, 
   and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 
11 Do not cast me from your presence 
   or take your Holy Spirit from me. 
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation 
   and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

I am encouraged that God created me to be His unique child, with a purpose so much greater than the stuff of this world.  Although I am in constant need to recall the scripture "Do everything without complaining..."(Phil 4:12) or "Your (God's) grace is sufficient..."(2 Cor 12:9), God longs for what is best for me and wants what is best from me.  Music always helps me to reflect on my heart, my own life. This song is so uplifting.  My God thinks I'm beautiful.

Here's some things He loves about me (or at least covers with His grace).

• I love to dance and sing at the top of my lungs to to 80's & 90's country hits....the ones I listened to growing up in my parents' cabinet shop and riding down the road in my dad's Ford trucks.  
• I cannot keep my closet organized.  Just can't put the laundry away or fold the clothes that I take off that aren't dirty. 31, just don't see that changing anytime soon.
• I get so excited when I'm studying the Bible and make a connection between the Old Testament and the New Testament or learn some Greek meaning of a word that I had only understood from a 21st century American perspective.
• I love to lift heavy stuff and get pumped when I finish a workout that had me terrified before I began.
• I'm learning to learn from failing...especially in the kitchen.  I don't have to stick with everything that is FOR SURE going to turn out just the way I planned.
• Ok, that one goes for more than just the kitchen.
• I have a passion for leading women in learning God's word and what it can reveal to them personally.
• I can give up on trying to be perfect.  I can just be the me He created.
• I love hugs and kisses from my babies and I love to read with them and watch them play together.
• I want my marriage and our home and everything Drew & I touch to glorify God.
• I can get bogged down by the little things.  But He is faithful to give me perspective and remind me not to sweat the small stuff...my purpose is so much more.

Whatever it is, He loves me.  I don't have to prove myself to Him.  He knows my heart.  And He will be the one to judge it.

Giving my life to the only One who makes the moon reflect the sun...all those starry nights, those were His design ~ Chris August

Encouragement

Holidays are filled with hustle and bustle...filled with good tidings and cheer...filled with STRESS?!?! ...TEARS?!?!...stress about STRESS and TEARS?!?!  Whether you're juggling a dozen "light" loads or buckling under one life-or-death burden, Matthew 11:28 reminds us that Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  This is not the time of year to set aside quiet time with the Lord but the time to meditate on  His Word.  Even when it is not easy, thank God for what is good (the gift of salvation through Jesus Christ for starters) and cry to Him about what seems unbearable.  He knows all about submitting to the will of the Father when the flesh wants an easier way out (Mark 11:35-36).  Last week when I was struggling with a bit of the blues, a few things happened to pick me up.   One, I received the news that cancer had returned to a young child from my hometown which  gave me much needed perspective in dealing with the mundane of motherhood.  The other thing was a mentor friend of mine suggested that I just cry out to God for some help to lift my spirit and return the joy to my soul and be encouraged by the Psalms.  When looking for some guided reading I stumbled across a book on our shelf, Streams in the Desert. (this is a link to the free ebook version) I sat down with it and began to read a few days at a time, looking up the devotions that were based in Psalms and then finding myself just reading on.  I HIGHLY RECOMMEND this devotion book for you or as a gift for anyone who may need to be encouraged or just gain a bit of perspective. 

Here's the entry from December 8 which has stuck with me.  
As God's chosen people...clothe yourselves with...kindness.  (Col 3:12)
There is an old story of an elderly man who always carried a little can of oil with him everywhere he went, and when he would go through a door that squeaked, he would squirt a little oil on the hinges.  If he encountered a gate that was hard to open, he would oil the latch.  And so he went through life, lubricating all the difficult places, making it easier for all those who came after him.  People called the man eccentric, strange, and crazy, but he went steadily on, often refilling his can of oil when it was nearly empty, and oiling all the difficult places he found.
In this world, there are many lives that painfully creak and grate as they go about their daily work.  Often it seems that nothing goes right for them and that they need lubricating with "the oil of joy" (ps 45:7), gentleness, or thoughtfulness.
Do you carry your own can of oil with you?  Are you ready with your oil of helpfulness each morning?  If you offer your oil to the person nearest you, it may just lubricate the entire day for him.  Your oil of cheerfulness will mean more than you know to someone who is downhearted.  Or the oil may be a word of encouragement to a person who is full of despair.  Never fail to speak it, for our lives may touch others only once on the road of life, and then our paths may diverge, never to meet again.  
The oil of kindness has worn the sharp, hard edges off many a sin-hardened life and left it soft and pliable, ready to receive the redeeming grace of the Savior.  A pleasant word is a bright ray of sunshine on a saddened heart.  Therefore give others the sunshine and tell Jesus the rest.


We cannot know the grief that men may borrow;
We cannot see the souls storm-swept by sorrow;
But love can shine upon the way.  Today, tomorrow;
Let us be kind.
Upon the wheel of pain so many weary lives are broken;
So may our love with tender words be spoken.
Let us be kind.


Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.  Romans 12:10

Quote to contemplate

"The things, good Lord, that we pray for, give us the grace to labour for." 

- Sir Thomas More

The desire of my heart

Last week I was asked about my blog.  Why I did it, how often I updated, etc.  I've neglected to share much more than photos of the kids as of late.  This week I had the opportunity to share a devotion, testimony of sorts, for my Bible study's leaders meeting and thought it was about time for me to share some of my heart with you as well.

Psalms 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

I was introduced to this verse as a junior in high school. I was a counselor in training at a girls mission camp in Jackson, MS. For over 10 years, I naively claimed this verse. I wrote a list of attributes I wanted in my husband and stuck it in my Bible at that verse. For years, I would recall the verse - quickly skimming over the first part “delight yourself in the Lord.” You see I made a profession of faith at seven and had at least one mountain top experience a year while at camp so I thought I was covered with my commitment to the Lord. More than anything, I went to God when I wanted something or I felt I needed Him.

About 3 years ago, I went to a coffee house concert of a local Christian artist. As she talked of her prayers, I felt like God was speaking her words directly to me. She spoke of her desire to please others and need to be validated by them. She quoted Ps 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Then she explained what this verse had to come mean to her…Not that He would give her what she wanted, but that He would give her WHAT to want. WOW – what a fresh perspective.

“Delight yourself in the Lord”

Looking back at my teenage years, it is very hard for me to distinguish between the things I did because I wanted to and the things I did because I thought they were expected of me and would make others happy. I have always had some twisted relationship between people pleasing and selfishness. These two seemingly opposing forces have caused a lot of heart ache and emotional despair in my life. But a few years ago, I realized that these two forces are not opposing at all. On one hand, I am consumed with pleasing others. On the other hand, I am consumed with pleasing my flesh. They are both used by Satan to take my focus off of pleasing God.

For much of my life, I tried to compartmentalize God. I had my church friends and my “other” friends. I had my “religious” beliefs and my “other” beliefs. I believed that God was powerful, but a lot of life was coincidence. I filled my time with my agenda and allotted some Sunday mornings to Him. During this time, I felt in constant conflict with myself. Through the study of His word, God has broken down my boundary lines. I can no longer pick and choose when to include God. He is my center and is woven throughout my life.

“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Much has changed in me since the coffee house concert. He has implanted in me an unquenchable thirst to know His word. He has given me new desires that are pure, noble, right, lovely, and admirable. Let me stop here to say that I do not consider my “self” conquered. Nor do I claim that every thought, motive, or action is pure. But through His word, He is daily replacing my need to please others and please myself with my need to please Him. He has shown me that faith is being obedient to His present voice. And Obedience is not a onetime deal but a choice I am faced with over and over throughout each day. God honors each obedient step I make with encouragement for the next.

In the book Fueled By Faith, Jennifer Kennedy Dean puts it this way, “There is a way chosen for you. “Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD? He will instruct Him in the way chosen for him” Psalm 25:12. God has a specific plan for you, and as you trust and follow Him, the plan unfolds. His will for you, His design for your life, fits you in every way. It is not a generic, off-the-track plan that would fit just anyone. He has designed a life just for you. As you surrender to Him, you do not lose yourself; you find yourself. As you obey Him step by step, a steadfast peace settles on you. Your heart cries, “My food is to do the will of the one who sent me!” His will satisfies your deepest yearnings, nourishes your soul, strengthens you. His will is all you need and all you desire.” He has given me a vision and desire to serve Him.

Another big change in my relationship with God began around the same time I learned to pray that God would make His desires my desires -- I became a mother. My whole life I have known God’s name as Father. Until 4 years ago, I only experienced the child side of that – and I was a bratty child. I saw others' satisfaction or dissatisfaction with me based on my accomplishments and failures. This is how I saw God as Father. I felt He couldn’t possibly separate what I did from who I was. I did not understand my own parents’ thoughts and motivations or God’s until I had a child of my own. With this new love I was experiencing for my own child, God opened a window for me to see another side of Him. I see that His love for me runs deeper than I could ever imagine. I see that He has set guidelines not because He wants to limit me, but because He wants to show me His Higher Ways (Is 55:9). I see that, just like when my children learned to walk, He would love nothing more than for me to “get it” the first time. He doesn’t delight when I fall. Each time He is there to love and comfort me and then stand me back up. God is cheering me on in each baby step I take.

I am under no illusion that I will ever reach a point where a lapse in faith is impossible. God allowed me to suffer through sin and its consequences so I would remember how miserable it is to live without Him guiding me. I pray that God will humble me when I am proud. Stretch me when I am complacent. I pray that I will always be able to accept His grace and my heart will not be hardened by the trials I know are ahead of me. I pray that He uses this time of what my dear friend calls steady drizzle to prepare my heart for the heavy rain that I know I will experience one day.

He is: My refuge when I feel under attack; My friend who does not disappoint, He speaks what I need to hear. He gives me so much more than I need. He is: the Giver of health, My Validation, My encourager, ALL that is good within me, My Redeemer, My creator who knit me as I am for His glory, The All Sufficient One…He is My heart’s desire.