Last week I was asked about my blog. Why I did it, how often I updated, etc. I've neglected to share much more than photos of the kids as of late. This week I had the opportunity to share a devotion, testimony of sorts, for my Bible study's leaders meeting and thought it was about time for me to share some of my heart with you as well.Psalms 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
I was introduced to this verse as a junior in high school. I was a counselor in training at a girls mission camp in Jackson, MS. For over 10 years, I naively claimed this verse. I wrote a list of attributes I wanted in my husband and stuck it in my Bible at that verse. For years, I would recall the verse - quickly skimming over the first part “delight yourself in the Lord.” You see I made a profession of faith at seven and had at least one mountain top experience a year while at camp so I thought I was covered with my commitment to the Lord. More than anything, I went to God when I wanted something or I felt I needed Him.
About 3 years ago, I went to a coffee house concert of a local Christian artist. As she talked of her prayers, I felt like God was speaking her words directly to me. She spoke of her desire to please others and need to be validated by them. She quoted Ps 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Then she explained what this verse had to come mean to her…Not that He would give her what she wanted, but that He would give her WHAT to want. WOW – what a fresh perspective.
“Delight yourself in the Lord”
Looking back at my teenage years, it is very hard for me to distinguish between the things I did because I wanted to and the things I did because I thought they were expected of me and would make others happy. I have always had some twisted relationship between people pleasing and selfishness. These two seemingly opposing forces have caused a lot of heart ache and emotional despair in my life. But a few years ago, I realized that these two forces are not opposing at all. On one hand, I am consumed with pleasing others. On the other hand, I am consumed with pleasing my flesh. They are both used by Satan to take my focus off of pleasing God.
For much of my life, I tried to compartmentalize God. I had my church friends and my “other” friends. I had my “religious” beliefs and my “other” beliefs. I believed that God was powerful, but a lot of life was coincidence. I filled my time with my agenda and allotted some Sunday mornings to Him. During this time, I felt in constant conflict with myself. Through the study of His word, God has broken down my boundary lines. I can no longer pick and choose when to include God. He is my center and is woven throughout my life.
“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
Much has changed in me since the coffee house concert. He has implanted in me an unquenchable thirst to know His word. He has given me new desires that are pure, noble, right, lovely, and admirable. Let me stop here to say that I do not consider my “self” conquered. Nor do I claim that every thought, motive, or action is pure. But through His word, He is daily replacing my need to please others and please myself with my need to please Him. He has shown me that faith is being obedient to His present voice. And Obedience is not a onetime deal but a choice I am faced with over and over throughout each day. God honors each obedient step I make with encouragement for the next.
In the book Fueled By Faith, Jennifer Kennedy Dean puts it this way, “There is a way chosen for you. “Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD? He will instruct Him in the way chosen for him” Psalm 25:12. God has a specific plan for you, and as you trust and follow Him, the plan unfolds. His will for you, His design for your life, fits you in every way. It is not a generic, off-the-track plan that would fit just anyone. He has designed a life just for you. As you surrender to Him, you do not lose yourself; you find yourself. As you obey Him step by step, a steadfast peace settles on you. Your heart cries, “My food is to do the will of the one who sent me!” His will satisfies your deepest yearnings, nourishes your soul, strengthens you. His will is all you need and all you desire.” He has given me a vision and desire to serve Him.
Another big change in my relationship with God began around the same time I learned to pray that God would make His desires my desires -- I became a mother. My whole life I have known God’s name as Father. Until 4 years ago, I only experienced the child side of that – and I was a bratty child. I saw others' satisfaction or dissatisfaction with me based on my accomplishments and failures. This is how I saw God as Father. I felt He couldn’t possibly separate what I did from who I was. I did not understand my own parents’ thoughts and motivations or God’s until I had a child of my own. With this new love I was experiencing for my own child, God opened a window for me to see another side of Him. I see that His love for me runs deeper than I could ever imagine. I see that He has set guidelines not because He wants to limit me, but because He wants to show me His Higher Ways (Is 55:9). I see that, just like when my children learned to walk, He would love nothing more than for me to “get it” the first time. He doesn’t delight when I fall. Each time He is there to love and comfort me and then stand me back up. God is cheering me on in each baby step I take.
I am under no illusion that I will ever reach a point where a lapse in faith is impossible. God allowed me to suffer through sin and its consequences so I would remember how miserable it is to live without Him guiding me. I pray that God will humble me when I am proud. Stretch me when I am complacent. I pray that I will always be able to accept His grace and my heart will not be hardened by the trials I know are ahead of me. I pray that He uses this time of what my dear friend calls steady drizzle to prepare my heart for the heavy rain that I know I will experience one day.
He is: My refuge when I feel under attack; My friend who does not disappoint, He speaks what I need to hear. He gives me so much more than I need. He is: the Giver of health, My Validation, My encourager, ALL that is good within me, My Redeemer, My creator who knit me as I am for His glory, The All Sufficient One…He is My heart’s desire.
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